My big fat horrified silence

Well, it would seem I can’t even give my doodads away. Mean mind tells me that I may as well forget ever trying to sell them. Putting Mean mind aside for a moment, however, the Universe does seem to be pushing me in a different direction. I went on a second interview yesterday for a pretty cool freelance design gig and they offered me the work! I don’t know whether to jump up and down with excitement or cry. The work itself is exciting, and I like the team I’ll be working with, but where to find the time? And then there’s that little voice I can’t seem to entirely quiet that tells me I’m a fraud; that it’s only a matter of time until everyone discovers that I totally suck. What if I fall flat on my face? It’s one thing to not live up to my expectations on a school project and quite another to be working on a project where somebody else’s bottom line is at stake. I’m guessing that most people have similar feelings when taking their first job out of school? or at least that’s how I’m comforting myself, so please don’t tell me otherwise at this point.

I’ve been really struggling with this question since I had to withdraw from school. What direction do I take my art? Do I try to sell my creations? Or throw my efforts into the paper arts and things like announcements and invitations? Do I just take whatever work comes my way and sort out my priorities later? I spot opportunities (some still available, some missed) all over the place and I have been like a deer in the headlights, unable to decide where to spend my very limited free time. If nothing else, this freelance job will force my priorities into a certain direction for awhile. I had been slowly coming to this conclusion anyway, that graphic design is what I went to school for and something I need to work at for awhile at least. I can make myself feel like absolute crap looking at the Web sites of some of my favorite artists, comparing their outsides to my insides, but the truth is that I have a different skill set. I enjoy creating for creation’s sake, but I also love being given a design problem; researching the problem, developing a concept and working within constraints to come up with a solution that meets the client’s (or assignment’s) needs. I thrive when I am eating–sleeping–breathing a design project, and some day, rather than feeling like I am doing everything half-ass, bridging these two worlds of mixed media art and graphic design may prove to be a bountiful gift. As I struggle to make time for this new project in an already overloaded schedule, that is what I am choosing to try to believe.


~ by jenzai on November 18, 2008.

9 Responses to “My big fat horrified silence”

  1. Okay, silly head – I didn’t leave a comment because I didn’t want to be piggy when I already have several of your lovely little creations!
    And B, – stop being so hard on yourself! Repeat after me…everything is going to work out just fine…….

  2. Does it help to point out that there are people who love your work and think you’re absolutely brilliant?

    I want to say “Just do it,” or something like that–but maybe my best advice is to tell you to follow your own advice and follow your heart. Do what you have to, do what you want to, and just try to have fun–before you talk yourself out of your talent.

  3. You put more effort and thought into your art than anyone I’ve met and the results are always..literally always…amazing, beautiful and professional. The idea that you would fall flat on your face…well, I doubt it is possible. And besides, if you make a mistake at work, the best part is that you get to learn from it and you get paid. How cool is that?

  4. Funny you should mention money. I picked up my first paycheck yesterday and when I opened it up, my first thought was “screw Etsy!”

    Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I was trying to poke a little fun at myself with my title, but of course the reference was a little obscure (well, the reference that wasn’t the obvious one was obscure, that is). Presents for everyone who left a comment!

    (oh! and just for the record I actually LOVE Etsy and mean it and its participants no disrespect.)

  5. Dude I SO have been coveting that turquoise-blue one with the keyhole? From the second you put it up on your site. But I can’t handle any more gifts from you, this week’s blew me away; and God knows when I’ll get to the PIFs. I shudder to think. Your envelope sits address and unfilled in my desk drawer. So I desire it ONLY if you let me pay you for it. I mean this. Screw Etsy and PP fees, though; let me send you a check. I have never been more serious. I *need* this object. My cellphone needs it. My SOUL needs it. Do not deny us!

    And, by the way? I LOVE MY OCTOPUS (Swinburne!) and you fucking ROCK.

  6. @ the unreliable narrator

    I’ll tell you what I tell Patrick. I’m not sure you can afford me!

    Hee hee. But seriously, I have one blue one left and it has your name on it. When you’re rich and famous you can have your assistant send me an autographed first edition. Deal?

  7. Deal; except that I have an assistant already (he’s just not a very good assistant); and so the signed (first? only) edition of DOE will be slipped into the envelope that has been gracing the lower left drawer of my desk for the last several weeks already.

    BLUE ONE happy dance. :o)

  8. Oh, and every time I see this I think you should enter:

    Oh, and also, my friend L. is the art editor for a magazine in Santa Fe, and you might have already done work for them? Or you might be interested in so doing? One dealing exclusively with maternity? ;o) Anyway I should hook you two up via Facebook—you have similar design aesthetics and actually I wish I could introduce you in person, because you’re both funny and sweet.

    And Mara should be writing for them too, come to think of it—let’s employ the whole bloghood!

    “…rather than feeling like I am doing everything half-ass, bridging these two worlds of mixed media art and graphic design may prove to be a bountiful gift.”


  9. Me? You must have me confused with someone else. I’m not a writer. Just ask my family. They’ll tell you I’m the goofy one, the athletic one, maybe the artistic one… but not the writerly one. My sisters are the writers.

    You know the art editor of Mothering Magazine? (and was I not supposed to mention the name of the publication?) Can you hook me up with her? That would be so cool! Perhaps I could do a little freelance illustration work?

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