Stick that in your pipe

“He wants to fly me to Kansas City for the day?” I ask, incredulously. There must be some mistake. I was sure this client had dropped me like a hot potato when he went to a big shot firm for guidance with his brand identity. I assumed that they had convinced him to go to an equally big shot ad agency who would transform him into a rock star overnight. Hot burning shame, the kind that makes my stomach do flip flops, coursed through me whenever I thought about the ideas I had presented to him for updating his Web site. Because I suck. Oh, and did I mention that I’m a fraud?

“Yeah, he wants to get together all the people that he trusts so that we can start hammering some of this out.” People that he trusts. ahem.

I’m freaking out. I don’t know whether to jump up and down excitedly or run screaming in the other direction. “Sounds good” I say.

Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit is what I’m thinking. I’m going on a business trip! Somebody else is paying not only for my time but for my airfare to fly to another city so that I can share my skills with them. If I had made a vision board in the last few years, this would have been on it. An airplane, a svelt, confident lady in a smart outfit and an Acme laptop bag filled with brilliant designs.

But what if I fuck it up? Oh my God, I think I might make myself sick.

“Isn’t there some part of you that feels like you deserve this, though?” Patrick asks. “Like, maybe that small spot on your left heal, and it’s down there saying ‘I’m here! and I know that you worked hard for this and you deserve it!'”

“If that voice is there, it’s awfully quiet.”

“You’re going to have to develop it then,” he says, “or you won’t be able to enjoy the plane ride.”

“I know,” I say. “Because I’ll be too busy throwing up in the bathroom, right?”


I go to my Tuesday night meeting and the topic is grandiose thinking and the satisfactions of remaining right-sized. I drink up the message greedily. I need this reminder. It’s not about design awards or getting recruited by an awesome design firm or even about the money. It’s not about me at all. I’m pretty sure it’s about clearing all that gunk away so that I can be a channel. It’s about being of service. When I think of it that way, it doesn’t seem so overwhelming and I think I might even be able to enjoy it, because I have worked awful hard at this.

Now if I can only I hadn’t given away my breast pump…


~ by jenzai on March 24, 2009.

3 Responses to “Stick that in your pipe”

  1. I’m with your left heel, convinced you are brilliant, hard-working and totally trust-worthy. This is exciting and I am so happy for you!

  2. Congratulations that is fantastic.

    Good for you, you worked for this. And now it is your time.



  3. That is so awesome!!! As always, I love your brutal honesty. Can’t wait to hear how the trip goes (or went)

    Also, you are a wonderful writer. I think you should write a book! ok, no pressure there. 🙂

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